Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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