i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
how do flat chested girls get laid?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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