My sheets look like a crime scene.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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