i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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