I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
