So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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