By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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