No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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