Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
