my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
