For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
