My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
