just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
