I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
