Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
