She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
