my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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