Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize