it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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