....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
