don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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