And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
