I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize