You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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