Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I love having hate sex.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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