New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
