Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
