Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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