Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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