I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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