I need to stop coming to work sober
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
