she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
