i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
