New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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