i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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