it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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