I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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