She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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