Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
