My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
