WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
