You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
