She's JV to your varsity
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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