When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
