When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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