She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
