I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
