i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
