I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
