Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize