So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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