filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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