chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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