For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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