Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize