I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
