Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
