Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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