I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize