This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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