It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
