Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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