I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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